I sit around looking at this summer and wondering how it all flew by so fast. So much has been sitting in my mind and I've barely haven taken a moment to write those thoughts down.

Life is in full gear, working two jobs and getting ready to open THE PRODUCERS at Billings Studio Theater this next weekend, and saying goodbye to Tessa and her family as they move across the state. Not to mention trying to balance church, family, friends and Steven. And how am I? I could say I'm great, but that wouldn't be true. I'm busy and barely have time to think about how I am doing. I guess I look around at all of it and there is so much to say and so little that I can do about anything. I look at how much I have changed in the past year and how much everyone and everything has changed. Last night I looked at the sky and I saw God in it... and honestly, it has been forever since that happened. I used to look at the sky and see God all the time, I could just sit for hours. I guess when life is so busy around you it is hard to just stare at the sky. But I realized as I was staring into the clouds that I see God in other places these days, and it there is no reason to be sad about not staring at the sky because He is evident in things all around me.

Last night my thoughts surrounded me and wondering why we all have these moments of crankiness in the world, and how we can be so terribly crabby to the people we love and care so much for in our life. Man, have I ever been crabby to those that I really care about in my life. I wonder if it is because I'm scared of letting go and inevitably getting hurt because that seems to be what I do when I'm just scared. And frankly, I'm scared out of my mind. These beautiful people that support and care about me having been getting this toxic dose of my fear, making them feel unwanted and unloved by me. What would happen if I just let go of my fears? If I relyed completely on God, and on those people that mean so much to me in my life? I know I would be ok...but why can't I just do it? It's like in Steven, I see myself in a way...so much of me and that is why we work. When it comes down to the end of the day, we are so much the same in morals and faith, humor, and many wonderful other things. And my not trusting him is like not trusting myself...and frankly, I don't even know if I can trust me! Wow, what a sad realization that my fears lie within me and wondering if I will inevitably become a bad apple. I think it stems from my family believing that is what would happen to me, becoming a bad apple or just not being good. I'm not saying that is exactly what they think, it is a vibe they give out as though I can't do it myself or I'll just fail and in turn I guess I've started to believe it and that isn't true. It's as though I am torn between knowing who I am and who he is, and being scared if there is something that I missed. In all my life on this earth, I've never had such an open, honest, trusting relationship...he loves all of me, my good, bad, ugly and whatever else there might be and I feel the same about him. So, I guess here is to letting go and being who I know am and therefore knowing who he is, the guy I love and have given my heart to, who would never dream of hurting me. Here is to what shall come and knowing that at the end of the day, everything will turn out as planned and I have no control over it (as hard as that is)! Here is to knowing I am loved...

Steven...I know, and I promise I'm not just saying that.

I guess my challenge to all of you, is are there fears that you are keeping inside that keep you from truely reaching your potential? From trusting those you love? From trusting God? How about taking a leap with me...and just going for it?

So, it has been a very long time and yes, I have received much slack about not posting, but that is life and my loyalties are still with my journal, even though it doesn't look like it. I have plenty to say and I promise not to bore you. This week I started classes and whew... it might be a crazy semester, just as the last was... so, um... don't get too comfy, cozy with my posts. (yeah... they are a luxury...) I am diving in full blown with my double major and realizing that graduation is still far far away, no I can't put a time on it, but it will happen eventually and I am okay with that because I am going to be happy with both degrees and the options they will bring me.

I am excited to say that GREASE IS REMOUNTED AT THE ALBERTA BAIR THEATER on FEBRUARY 29 TICKETS ARE ON SALE NOW... just CALL ALBERTA BAIR!!! Please come and support the cast, including myself... this is a big thing in my life and I am thrilled to be able to say that we are doing it, officially!!! We want a great crowd... so tell your friends, please!

Also, Grease isn't my only show these days, I am proud to say I will be playing an evil role in Cinderella... well, and a ditzy one with the role of the Stepsister Portia in Roger and Hammerstein's version of it!! And no folks, there are no characters in mice suits... that is the Disney version, so please... stop asking. I am sure some of you saw the Julie Andrews version (gag) or the Brandy version... multi-cultural... still trying to figure out how that all works, so if you have any pointers on how exactly Whoppi Goldberg and the king had an Asian son, I would appreciate it. This show is quite a change from Grease, meaning it is totally kid-friendly... so, parents feel free to bring the children along to this one... especially since the cast ranges from 9 and up!! It is fun, and I have to say I am sincerly enjoying it thus far! We open on February 14 and perform on the 15th, 16th, 22nd, 23rd, and a matinee on the 24th.

Okay, so there was the quick catch up, along with spending time at work (also known as working and yes, I really do work), family, friends and of course, Steven :).

I am reading this book, for the second time because mostly I forgot a lot of it from the first time. Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, it is interesting outlook mostly on life and how God fits into it all and I can't say I agree with every word but it gets one thinking about the life we live and why we are here. Today I read from the chapter entitled Romance and of course, I was intrigued because I am a girl and currently in this amazing relationship!! Don Miller said something that struck me though... that we are ultimately scared to show ourselves, because of the fear that we will get rejected. Wow. I had to sit there and think about it, how true it all is. Yes, of course, I am scared to death that Steven will find out who the real Tori is and run like nobody's business into the woods and far away. But then, I think about how I couldn't love him more and the more I get to know him that more that feeling grows and nothing in the world could send me packing to the woods... and I mean that. But is it really that simple... by golly, I think it is. I just want to be loved and yes, I am guilty at times for wanting to probably spend too much time with the boy... a fault I must work on. Which probably goes into the next chapter about how Don Miller loves to be alone... I am a people person and rarely need a minute of recharge, while Steven on the other hand needs time for himself. It is amazing though, we can be so different and so much the same and at the end of the day I know I am loved, and safe and happy... I have a best friend that will never let me down and always wants the best for me. I hope he knows I feel the same... and I hope he knows that I am just a little insecure about who I am, and scared that it will just push him away. But isn't love about taking chances? God made me beautiful... and He loves me no matter what... I believe He created a human being that will do the same for me, love me unendingly... and maybe, just maybe I found that. All I know is that I am truly blessed and I couldn't be happier all because of this thing called... Romance.

I was thinking about this book the other night at church, flipping through my bible and thinking about how much history is The Old Testament and I couldn't help to think to myself about how many of the books in the Old Testament I have only just skimmed over in my life. Really... just skimmed, if that. Which is sad, because there are things to learn from in those books, I mean if God put them there they are important to me and have some type of meaning. But how sad is that, how sad is it that I haven't really read every single last word of the bible and there are plenty of people who don't call themselves "Christians" who have read the book from cover to cover. What kind of pathetic person am I? This sparked onto a new though about something that was talked about in Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller shared a story about setting up a confession booth on his college campus and confessing his sins to other people... or the mishaps that "Christians" have done in the past. It was a really touching story to me, because I know a ton of people that are disgusted in religions as a whole because of a bad experience or story they heard. Here I am this Christian who hasn't even read the whole book of Ezekiel, when there are tons of people who have... and I am by no means perfect, and trust me, I will never claim to be. I think that is something everyone has to realize... there is nothing in this world that is going to make you perfect... the reason why I am a Christian is because I am trying my best to be the best that I can be for God and to show that to the people around me. I think people often think that because I say I am a Christian I am saying I believe that I am holier than thou... and I am not, I am human, I make mistakes and we all do... but I am striving to not make mistakes... aren't we all? My solution is God, my faith in Him and my growing love and knowledge of Him. So... I know it is 17 days into January, but this year (it might take me a couple years...) I am going to read the Bible starting with the books I haven't read, and then reading the ones I have and might have forgotten, I am going to read God's word, so I can fully say... I have read the Bible and mean it!!

My mission for you, think about where you are in life, your misconceptions of the people around you and try to rid yourself of those misconceptions, be accepting and loving... just like Christ. My second mission... examine yourself and see if you really have read the Bible and not just the verses people may have told you to, but the Bible... and yes, that includes those geneologies with the super hard names in the Old Testament... read God's word, because that is what He left us with as instruction and if you aren't in the instruction manual... then, where are you?